Every Celeb and Their Inevitable Rosé

Oh yes, celebrities and wine, they go together like cats on counters—they aren’t supposed to be there, but you get a kick out of it anyway. There are celebrities whose care and interest in the quality of the product are respectable. But then there are the celebs who just want the Rosé because they want that Rosé. And then there are the ones who become bona fide winemakers (not included in this review, but pop star P!nk makes a hell of a serious pink wine on her Two Wolves label). However, most of them, at worst, are giving their name to something they have never tasted, and at best, have attended one blending session for publicity. I suppose I decided to investigate celebrity Rosé as an excuse to drink Rosé in cooler weather, when I am supposed to be writing about warming sips or something. But here we are. Celebrity Rosé Rosy Signs: It comes from a specific place, the celebrity has a specific opinion about wine style, they partner with a winemaker who has a good track record. Celebrity Rosé Red Flags: they don’t even drink, they are capitalizing on a trend like “clean,” it’s literally just their name on the wine. I’m sure the REAL answer y’all want to know is, “What would Ellen make, were she famous?” Place your bets and read through to the end for the answer. HAMPTON WATER X JON (AND JESSE) BON JOVI I listened to an interview with Jon and Jesse. They were involved in the blending, which…do I trust them to have good taste? The bottle has that weird glass topper. I had to use my teeth to open it, so someday I may choke and it will be a wine-related death. So that’s fun, but not as fun as the wine death of the guy who drowned in a vat of malmsey or whatever. This wine is named after the Hamptons despite being from Provence. Hmmm. On a positive note, the winemaker, Gérard Betrand, is known for his Rosés, like Côte du Rosés, the one with the rose-petal base. Which is just dandy. This is a blend of 60% Grenache, 15% Cinsault, 15% Mourvèdre and 10% Syrah. The 2024 vintage is supes dupes fresh. I mean…water is not a bad description of it. That said, there is more going on than just wateriness. A certain stoniness. A peachy vibe. Crisp with ripe raspberry, it spreads horizontally across the tongue. It vibes a little into Sweetheart territory taste-wise, like a slightly Euro-wine-educated American palate approved the final blend. I think I actually like it! SUN GODDESS PROSECCO ROSÉ X MARY J. BLIGE I have had favorable experiences with previous Mary J. Blige wines, and this one is no exception. Listening to MJB, she really wanted to create wines like the ones she enjoys drinking. I’ve tried a red blend and an orange wine, both from northern Italy, and I would drink them again, so I had high hopes. The Rosé is interesting, with very underripe peach and strawberry tops on the nose. The palate brings in a certain sappiness. It’s a ripe and savory Prosecco, which is fun, but the texture is—there’s something a little sticky about it. Stick to the other Sun Goddess wines. AVALINE X CAMERON DIAZ The vibe is that Diaz thought that if she was transparent about what is in her wine, that makes it a natural wine. As a result, the wine is marketed as if it were, I dunno, good for you? BUT also it is like “LOOK AT OUR INGREDIENTS.” Okay, I actually really like that on the website, there is an “ingredients page” where they, of course, lead with “organic grapes.” The list also includes yeast, yeast nutrients, cane sugar, ascorbic acid, tartaric acid, lactic acid and, of course, sulfur. I applaud them for making the information available, but I don’t love that if you didn’t look, you’d think from the messaging that the wine is more natural? All of this is moot because the wine, a Cinsault/Grenache/Cabernet Sauvignon/Syrah/Caladoc blend, was thoroughly meh. It tastes a little chemical, which is funny ’cause it’s supposed to be clean. I do not like. I get white-pepper mildew on the nose. I get a stab at freshness, but that’s about it. Hard pass. INVIVO X SARAH JESSICA PARKER And just like that, I couldn’t help but wonder, does fashion sense transfer to acting? I’ve tried some SJP wines before. Well, at least her New Zealand Sauvvy B. This Rosé comes from Provence. She purportedly came through for an afternoon to approve the final blend. Given the weird recipe for strained gazpacho that she recently posted on Instagram, perhaps I should not be surprised that her Rosé has so little flavor. It wasn’t BAD, but it also didn’t taste like much of anything? There was sorta a mellow peachy finish? This wine was, I guess, fresh. But it was pale and vapid, the sort of Provençal wine that was trending in the “let’s convince men that Rosé isn’t sweet girly shit” era that led to idiots writing articles proclaiming you could choose the best Rosé by choosing the palest one. Suffice it to say that this Rosé is inoffensive, but it is also sort of like a lot of nothing in your glass. SITC forever, AJLT good riddance, SJP do better. VANDERPUMP X …VANDERPUMP??? I haaaaave been to their WeHo restaurant, which is more for taking pictures with ripped waitstaff than dining. I can’t speak to the food because at that point in my life, I didn’t really have standards. I still believed that whoever created the restaurant knew how to get the vibe. This Côtes de Provence wine is, well, it isn’t horrible. It also isn’t good, but it fills the Rosé void. A Cinsault/Grenache/Syrah blend with the innocuous chill vibe of “you can swill this in the sun by the beach,” this is distinguished by its lack of character. It’s fine, but this one is not worth seeking out. Pass on the wine, but do go to Pump in WeHo if you want to objectify men. MAISON NO. 9 X POST MALONE Maison No. 9 - A Post Malone Project Rose 2022 I didn’t know who Post Malone was until I saw him in a Taylor Swift video, which is weird as I am not a Swiftie. However, something about him in the video made me think, “This guy has heart.” Which absolutely doesn’t mean he is putting his name behind quality Rosé. He created this wine with two other “celebrities” I have never heard of. And so is this the most perfect collab of all? The winemaker is Alexis Cornu. Purportedly, Malone and his cohort tried “many grape varietals and sampled over fifty blends” before they were satisfied. This wine says it is from the Méditerranée. But how does it taste? Grapefruit and grapefruit rind and grapefruit pith, all over. The nose accents this with florals, the palate with minerals. On first taste, it doesn’t make sense, but a couple more sips bring it into slightly less blurry focus. It’s fine. The website has a lot of cocktail recipes to use it in, which…yeah, this is a fine sipping Rosé, but you won’t regret mixing it. Sure. Why not. CHATEAU MIRAVAL X BRAD PITT Okay, so once upon a time, Angelina Jolie also co-owned this, and there may or may not be a lawsuit over it. I could tell you that Austin Butler bought Pitt’s Los Feliz house, but can I tell you if he is fully and legally the owner of his winery? Inconclusive. The winemaker is Marc Perrin of famed Rhône wine and discount Provence wine, and this sits between the two. The property has been around since Roman times, which is exciting because old shit is cool. The blend is of Cinsault, Grenache, Rolle and Syrah. I first tasted this at a New York comedian’s backyard party in Koreatown, where some other New York comedians made fun of wine, generally. I had never tried Miraval and knew nothing about its Brad Pitt roots, but I was drinking it and commenting on how it tasted, and the comedian made fun of me, which was likely justified. This has a very fresh nose with peach melba vibes. The palate is the most sophisticated I have tasted for this article so far. The palate is prickly with bright acid and a slightly textured finish via a touch of bâtonnage in the barrel (what a boon). There’s a bit of tartness that clicks in on the back-palate, with lemon curd and tangerine skin on the finish. I actually really like this wine. ROSÉ PROSECCO X KYLIE MINOGUE Kylie, famous for…singing and being Australian? To be fair, I enjoyed her recent-ish collab with Sia. Her Prosecco is extra-dry. It is…it is okay? 85% Glera, the rest Pinot Noir. It smells a little like strawberry shortcake, heavy on sour strawberries with a bit of sweetened cream. It gives strawberry tops on the spritely palate. It grows on you, sip by sip, but I still wished to pour Campari into it to underline the bitterness. There is also a mouth-coating shale-ness that, in the right circumstances, I would love, but somehow the subtle sweetness in this wine undermines the savory. Pick a lane, maybe Kylie? I’d pick a different bubbly Rosé. WHAT I WOULD MAKE IF I WERE FAMOUS Okay, so I can get behind some of these wines, but what would I make if I were both a name and still had my taste buds? To be clear, I WOULD do this if I had the chance. My favorite Rosés on earth are those from Tavel, that darling Southern Rhône AOC, so that tempts me. But my middle name is Bough, and I always thought I would name my wine Bough House in homage to both the goth band and the art. Ergo, I’d make a Spätburgunder Rosé, preferably from the Ahr Valley. Go team. Want to read more from Ellen? Check out her recent articles: Wine Situation Final Five: Alice Tétienne To the Occasion, Fit the Bubble The Grape That Changed My Life Old World v. New Bordeaux Blends New Zealand, Sustainability, Forethought You can also listen to Ellen's podcast The Wine Situation here.